Before I start, I just want to say I’m not very good at talking about myself but I will try and try my best.
Alhamdulillah, as I sat down and attempted to write this several times, I realized how personal my hijab story actually is because no amount of words can truly do justice to the experience.
Hijab represents a woman’s submission to her Creator and her connection with the faith. Allah (SWT) says “O Prophet, tell your wives and daughters and the women of the believers to bring down over themselves (part) of their outer garment. That is more suitable that they will be known and not be abused. And ever is Allah forgiving and merciful”.
That is more suitable that they will be known and not be abused, thus as stated in the Quran. One of the functions of hijab is to protect women from abuse and harm which includes harassment and sexual abuse.
As a twenty-three year old young lady, about a year and half ago now, I decided I would wear hijab for good and for Allah SWT’s sake. I later realized that hijab, in fact, comes with responsibilities and modesty not just in dress but behavior too.
At the beginning when people asked me why I made the decision, I struggled to find an answer because I didn’t know exactly why I decided at that particular time myself. It was something I knew I wanted to do since I was young, but I kept pushing it off; saying maybe after getting married but I was just terrified how people would treat me.
As time went on I wore the hijab and it was modest and beautiful, Marshallah; that I inspired other girls love to wear it someday which really kept me moving until a month back when satan clouded my vision.
Not knowing that a woman who wears hijab liberates herself from the vain and selfish desire to show off her beauty and to compete with other women around her.
I move with friends who wear the hijab and others who don’t, but majority of those I move with are non-hijabis. At some point when we go out some will say I look beautiful while others will say the opposite until when I was tempted with their code of dress; the dress with wigs and skirts and so on.
Whenever I move with them covered, I would feel left out or not looking beautiful because people would pay more attention to them than me which makes me feel bad and some of them will be like, “you are wasting with this entire scarf on your head and the hotness” Subhanallah.
I would always feel bad on the spot whenever they said such but when we disperse, I would always fine and would do all my hijab responsibilities. However as time went on and as they say the devil is powerful, I fell into satan’s trap and started wearing tight jeans and tops not even a scarf but turbans; thinking that I was on top of the world when I knew—deep inside—I was not comfortable with all those stuff. Later, I woke up one Saturday and called my sister in the US and started telling her to get me dresses and skirts because I was taking off the veil. She was like, “what? Are you okay?” I had a push and pull with her because she said she was not going to get me anything. I have to continue with the veil but I ignored her and hung up.
By then I was having little money with me and I went straight to the market and got new non-hijab stuff. I then started texting my friends, telling them that I have finally taken off the hijab. Some celebrated with me and others didn’t buy the idea but I never minded them. I went on with it thinking that it was the best, Subhanallah, may Allah forgive us.
Few days after taking off the hijab, the regret continued and became stronger each day and as satan controlled more, I started posting on social media. I was still baffled though by my decision to remove it was really hurting. Everything was strange and tears of fear would roll inside my eyes but it was like something was forcing me to go ahead. My imaan was scattered to pieces and was shocked eventually.
I tried to console myself whenever the regret kicked in, telling myself that at least I was a good person. I prayed, fasted and dressed modestly, but I always knew in the back of my mind that I was disobeying Allah Subhanahu Waa Ta’aala. Every second of everyday that I was in for something bad, but my biggest fear was and still is: dying without wearing the hijab.
That fear kept growing, day in day out until a close friend of mine, Zainab Faal—who started wearing the hijab before me—started telling me to put it back on. Alhamdulillah, now it’s back on, and I was truly inspired because I couldn’t have done it without Zainab. I am so happy for her since she is still covered and modest, and I know her as a very good Muslimah. I am overwhelmed by her strength, proud of her courage and jealous of her commitment and imaan, Marshallah. May Allah make her even better than what others assume of her.
Alhamdulillahi Rabil Allamin, I hope to continue increasing my imaan. I plan to keep it on; hijab is my choice I make every day, every time. By Allah Subhanahu Waa Ta’aala, I hope to make the right choice even for the rest of my life and look forward to reaping the benefits in the hereafter.
Big thanks to my dear friends who keep calling and texting me to return to my real identity as a Muslimah; and my family members too. I love you all.