Coalition press briefing (from the archives)
Halifa: Ladies and gentlemen of the esteemed and hungry press of the Gambia. I am your hero and wise man otherwise known as The Greatest of All Time (GOAT). I am humble, rigid, educated and I memorise the last ten constitutions. I am a politician but I am not in it for the power.
To my immediate left is Ousainou Numukunda Darboe and to my immediate right is Hamat NK Bah. Henceforth, please refer to me as G-GOAT, that is Greatest Gambian of All Time.
Mai Fatty: rolls his eyes and whispers to Henry Gomez (Daff deh opal)
Ousainou: Before any of you ask any questions, you must identify yourself and your age and whether you are a man or a woman. I am the erudite Ousainou by the way. The best legal mind in the subregion and known as Nelson Gambela. A lack of hair does not make a man. Bismila, continue G-GOAT!!
Henry Gomez: Mai, did you go to the Wally Seck show last night? I heard it was the bomb! By the way, is Secka wolof or Fula?
Mai Fatty: Lower your voice, Henry. I think I see a journalist from WhatsonGambia. He saw me at the Wally Secka show. I hope he does not write about it!
Henry: Yeah, let’s pay attention because G-GOAT is talking! You know he doesn’t have much tolerance for inattention. And he will keep going on and on teh ken munut si pooch paach!
Halifa: So Yahya left 323 donkeys, 653 heads of cattle, a thousand sheep, 15 camels and 12 crocodiles, 200 bags of rice, a truck load of onions, a few spineless enablers and …
Hamat Bah: (whispers) Are you not going to introduce me first before you get into the meat and potatoes? Well, I will do it myself.
Ladies and gentlemen of the press. I am the elegant Hamat Bah. The fast-blinking Hamat Bah. I am a hotelier extraordinaire and the conqueror of Kaabu. Hehehe, I like to joke but bilahi walahi talahi, we will not allow homosexuals in my tourism ministry! You all know I am minister for tourism, right? Thank you.
Mai Fatty: You like my outfit, Henry? I can hook you up to upgrade to my level if you so desire. There’s not a politician in this country who dresses or takes better pictures better than me. Allah has indeed blessed me.
Henry Gomez: I heard Movado will be coming to The Gambia soon. I can’t wait!! That shall be as sweet as dahini sipa sipa! By the way, why are we still debating about FGM?
Isatou Touray: Can you two listen to the G-GOAT and pay attention please? I am hoping this will finish soon so I can catch Brussels Airline to somewhere. I have a conference to attend and it’s on FGM.
Mai Fatty: If you talk to us like your children, I will soon fire you Dr Touray!! Ask G-Goat, I don’t play! I actually fired him before.
Isatou Touray: Ah wai patch!!! Mai Fatty Bul tah ma darral la!! Fire me? Mmang keh efulangno ti deh… Anyway, here comes the questions.
Journalist 1: My name is Buba Njie and I am Mandinka: Not Mandingo: I am 16 years old and I am a man. My question is for fast-blinking Hamat. Do you support the cutting off gay people’s throats in your tourism ministry?
Halifa: Well, according to our Constitution…
Hamat: Khalifa… The question is for me. Not you. Young journalist man, don’t joke with me deh. How can you be a NJIE and claim you’re Mandinka? Eh… Everyone knows Njie is Fula Tukulor… Look don’t take my niceness for ignorance. Next question for me!!
Journalist 2: I have a member of the Diaspora on the phone. My name is Musa Touray and I identify as Fana Fana. Were my peeps from Ballanghar? Yaye yaye.. anyway, my question is G-GOAT. What do you think of FGM?
Halifa: Well, according to the constitution…
Mai Fatty: You are not a lawyer… and…
Ousainou: Listen, I have the biggest party here and all the questions should come to me first…Journalist Touray, you people think that Halifa ….
Halifa: Ousainou, let me answer: You see, according to our Constitution… Let me make something clear. I have no problems with Mai. He’s a small brother to me…
Mai Fatty: (Whispers to Hamat and Rolls his eyes). I can’t stand his condescending ways!
Hamat: When did Khalifa start selling Cong?
Halifa: Excuse me Mai, did you say something?
Mai: I asked if any of these so-called journalists has any questions for me!
Henry: Mai, do you know anyone at Drug Law Enforcement Agency? I need some contacts.
Journalist 3: My name is Yaya Saidy. I am of Fulani persuasion and I am a grown ass woman!! Ousainou, don’t you see any issues in your declaration that Barrow will serve five years instead of three as agreed to in the MOU? Instead of threatening to take that issue to court, shouldn’t you work with your team to convince the voters why three years is impractical? And can you see why others might be hesitant in going into a gentleman’s agreement with you if you do not hold your end of the bargain?
Ousainou: I don’t listen to spineless people! Can you imagine Fatoumatta Jahumpa Ceesay, on this esteemed Women’s Day, ranting about what the government should do? This shameless woman volunteered to be Yaya Jammeh’s cleaner!! I am glad Gambians have a role model in Isatou Touray here and Fatoumata Jallow Tambajang. That’s my response.
Journalist 4: Hamat Bah. My name is Ousman Sarr. Some say I am Mandingo but yet others say I am Serer. My friend here is a Cham, his wife is a Ceesay. Her mother is a Jagne from Wulli. Can you tell what tribe they belong to? Why can’t we promote tribalism as a hallmark of our tourism?
Hamat: Me, I see no tribe. I only see the national cake!!
