By Dr Mimi Fatou Ceesay
There is something we need to talk about honestly in some African relationships: the difference between loving a woman and lusting after the idea of her.
This is not an accusation against African men as a whole. African men are not perfect, and neither are African relationships. Some African men are emotionally healthy and understand commitment, accountability, faithfulness, communication, and the responsibility that comes with loving another human being. However, there are also patterns in some relationships that deserve serious conversation, especially when intense attraction, fantasy, possession, insecurity, and unresolved emotional wounds are mistaken for love.
A man can see a woman on social media whom he has never met and immediately become consumed by her appearance. Within days or weeks, he is telling her, “I love you.” He calls constantly. He talks about marriage. He promises a future. He tells her she is different from every woman he has ever known. Before he has experienced her personality during conflict, witnessed how she responds to disappointment, learned her values deeply, or even spent meaningful time with her in person, he has already decided that she is “the one.”
However, what exactly is he in love with? Sometimes, it is not the woman. It is the fantasy he has created around the woman.
Physical attraction is normal. Desire is normal. Excitement at the beginning of a relationship is normal. The danger begins when attraction is presented as emotional intimacy and intensity is presented as evidence of love. Genuine love requires knowledge. You cannot deeply know someone you have barely encountered. Love develops through consistency, vulnerability, respect, accountability, conflict resolution, emotional safety, and time.
Consider the story of Modou and Fatou.
Modou lived abroad while Fatou lived in Africa. One day, Modou came across Fatou’s pictures on social media. She was beautiful, confident, well-dressed, and carried herself in a way that immediately caught his attention. Modou had never spent a single day with Fatou, yet his imagination began building an entire woman from photographs.
He contacted her.
At first, Fatou was cautious. However, Modou was persistent. He called every morning and every night. He sent affectionate messages. He talked about destiny, marriage, children, and the beautiful life they would have together. He reassured Fatou repeatedly that his intentions were serious.
“I love you,” he told her.
Fatou wondered how a man who had never lived near her or even spent meaningful time with her could be so certain already. But Modou’s attention was intense and convincing. Eventually, she began to believe that perhaps this really was love. Modou did everything he could to convince her. Eventually, they married even before they had experienced ordinary daily life together in person.
When Modou finally traveled to Africa to spend time with his wife, reality replaced fantasy. Fatou was no longer a beautiful photograph on his phone. She was a complete human being. She had opinions, moods, boundaries, expectations, habits, needs, strengths, and imperfections. Within a few weeks, the excitement began to wear off.
Then Modou asked Fatou a devastating question: would she accept him taking a second wife? Fatou was confused. How could the man who had pursued her so intensely, who had spoken endlessly about how much he loved her, already be looking toward another woman?
The problem may have begun long before Fatou. Modou had mistaken pursuit for intimacy, intensity for commitment, and desire for love. He loved the emotional high of wanting Fatou. Once he possessed what he had been chasing and ordinary married life replaced fantasy, he began searching for another source of excitement.
Moreover, this is where some men must ask themselves an uncomfortable question: Do I actually want a relationship, or am I addicted to the feeling of pursuing women? Some people repeatedly move from woman to woman without stopping long enough to understand why their previous relationships failed. One relationship ends on Monday, and by Friday there is another “love of my life.” There is no grieving, therapy, reflection, accountability, or examination of personal behavior. Instead of healing, another human being becomes the distraction.
Research on sociosexual orientation the degree to which someone is comfortable separating sexual activity from emotional commitment has found associations between more unrestricted sociosexuality, lower commitment, and greater likelihood of infidelity-related behavior (Mattingly et al., 2011). That research is not specifically about African men, and it should not be used to stereotype them. It does, however, demonstrate a broader psychological point: sexual desire and relational commitment are not automatically the same thing.
Unresolved childhood experiences can also carry into adulthood and shape romantic relationships. Research has found associations between adverse childhood experiences and later intimate-partner violence, as well as between childhood maltreatment and insecure adult attachment (Zhu et al., 2024; Zhang et al., 2026). A boy who grows up without emotional safety may become a man who has never learned to be emotionally vulnerable. A child who repeatedly experiences rejection, instability, neglect, humiliation, violence, or inconsistent affection may enter adulthood carrying wounds he has never named. However, childhood trauma can explain vulnerability; it does not excuse harmful behavior. Trauma is not permission to traumatize someone else. Some men may seek constant female attention because validation temporarily quiets their insecurity. Being desired makes them feel powerful. Pursuing a new woman produces excitement. Winning her affection produces validation. However, once she becomes emotionally available and the relationship requires vulnerability, responsibility, patience, sacrifice, and consistency, the emotional high disappears.
Then another woman catches his attention.
Moreover, the cycle begins again. Attachment research is important here. Meta-analytic evidence has connected attachment insecurity with partner maltreatment, particularly under stress, although attachment insecurity by itself does not mean someone will become abusive (Knox et al., 2024). Other research has found that insecure attachment is associated with poorer relationship satisfaction and commitment over time (Hadden et al., 2014).
Narcissistic traits may also appear in some unhealthy relationships, but we need to use this language responsibly. Being selfish, unfaithful, emotionally immature, arrogant, or inconsiderate does not automatically mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A clinical diagnosis requires professional assessment. Still, narcissistic traits such as entitlement, exploitation, excessive need for admiration, lack of empathy, or grandiosity can damage intimate relationships. Research has found associations between narcissistic traits and attitudes toward infidelity, while research on sexual narcissism has found associations between certain narcissistic sexual traits and infidelity in marriage (Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023; McNulty & Widman, 2014).
This is why women should be careful not to confuse overwhelming early attention with evidence of emotional health. Someone telling you “I love you” quickly does not automatically mean manipulation. Some relationships genuinely develop quickly. However, you should always measure words against behavior, time, character, emotional maturity, and consistency. Can this person accept “no”?
Can he apologize without turning himself into the victim? Can he tolerate disagreement without punishment?
Can he remain loving when he is frustrated? Can he discuss his previous relationships without describing every former partner as crazy or evil? Has he examined what he contributed to those relationships’ breakdown? Can he be alone without immediately needing another woman to validate him? Moreover, perhaps most importantly: Does his behavior after he gets you resemble his behavior while he was trying to get you?
Because pursuit is easy for some people, maintenance is where character becomes visible. This is also why I believe we need to bring friendship back into the foundation of relationships. Before rushing toward marriage, two people need an opportunity to know one another genuinely. Friendship does not mean there will never be attraction or romantic feelings. It means allowing enough time and emotional space to discover the human being underneath the attraction. Can we talk when there is nothing romantic to say? Can we laugh together? Can we disagree respectfully? Can I trust you with my vulnerability? Can you respect my boundaries when you do not get what you want? Can we have difficult conversations without threatening the relationship? Do your actions consistently match your words?
These things take time to discover. Trust is not built because someone says, “Trust me.” Trust is built through repeated experiences of honesty, reliability, emotional safety, accountability, and consistency. Before becoming husband and wife, learn how to be friends. Let friendship reveal character before marriage creates obligations. Spend enough appropriate time getting to know each other’s values, family expectations, communication styles, finances, attitudes toward children, faith, culture, gender roles, intimacy, conflict, extended family, career goals, household responsibilities, and expectations of marriage.
