Hi everyone, welcome to a special edition with a special guest, Baltasar, an Equatoguinean government official who became an instant sensation across the world for his remarkable dexterity between bedsheets…or in toilets.
Since the over 400 sex tapes were leaked online, marriages have been rocked, with men wishing for what he has and women wishing for what he gives. This is your favorite primetime show REVELATIONS and I am your host, Pablo.
The Host: Welcome to the program. You are now very famous; do you know that?
Baltasar: You mean notorious? There is a difference.
The Host: Before we go into the juicy stuff, you have been nicknamed “Bello”? What does it mean?
Baltasar: Well, it only refers to my good looks.
The Host: I am not surprised. You are very handsome. Your name, Baltasar, sounds both legendary and frightening at the same time. It’s like Spartacus.
Baltasar: I am not sure that is a compliment but thanks.
The Host: On record, you slept with over 400 women. What were you trying to prove?
Baltasar: It wasn’t over 400 women, it was over 400 tapes. Some women featured multiple times.
The Host: That’s good to know but it doesn’t mean you didn’t sleep with over 400 women. Don’t tell me your sexual exploration is only limited to those on the tapes.
Baltasar: Of course, it is not. My wife is not on the tapes. What an idiotic question!
The Host: Feisty huh, just like you’re in bed. Speaking of your wife, how has she been handling your meteoric rise to global fame?
Baltasar: If I become famous because I invented something impactful to humanity, then she would be proud of me but not sleeping with married women.
The Host: I can tell you for a fact that you invented something that humanity needs right now. You are a walking invention. Have you seen what’s going on around the world about you? You’re everywhere, even Stephen Colbert mentioned you on his show. You could start a revolution if you wish.
Baltasar: I enjoyed myself. I am happy others enjoyed themselves too.
The Host: Social media went into overdrive in the past weeks. Even Telegram, which most people seem to forget, had its users significantly multiplied because, apparently, your tapes were in Telegram chat groups.
Baltasar: Good for them. At least Telegram is no longer dormant. Maybe I should ask for a cut.
The Host: Haha, you should indeed. Let me ask you this, what pleasure do you get from your own nipples?
Baltasar: What a stupid question! A nipple is a nipple, it doesn’t matter if it’s a woman’s or a man’s. Just because a man’s boobs aren’t big doesn’t mean they cannot be aroused.
The Host: But do you have to pose while caressing them? Now everyone is generating content from it. You should patent it and get yourself rich. Your that posture and Trump’s YMCA dance have the same effect.
Baltasar: I have bigger problems than that.
The Host: Of course, you do. What baffles me is that the police raided your house hoping to stumble on documents implicating you in financial crimes. Instead of that, and its consequences on the economy, no one is talking about it but your dalliances.
Baltasar: Both are not good news to me but it tells you sex is natural. Everyone loves it, but only a few are willing to unapologetically exploit it or talk about it in public.
The Host: The government has suspended all the officials in your tapes and put CCTV cameras in offices to ensure such places aren’t turned into sex escapades for civil servants, thanks to you.
Baltasar: You have no idea what goes on in offices across the world. More sexual activities take place in offices than in bedrooms.
The Host: How does that make any sense?
Baltasar: If you are a woman in a marital home, chances are only your husband is there who you are sexually attracted to. If there is anymore, it would probably be the driver or the security guard. The same goes for a man, who could only truly explore the house aid. So tell me, is that adventurous enough?
The Host: It is a marital home. The only thing adventurous should be between you two. But that is beside the point, how do offices become lovemaking hideouts?
Baltasar: What I can tell you is that, when your husband or wife comes from work in the evening and has absolutely no interest in getting intimate with you, don’t even ask, they already had sex at the office, or somewhere on their way home.
The Host: Whoa! Whoa! That is a bomber! That cannot be true in all cases and people will not be happy hearing that.
Baltasar: I am not saying all cases but it is a fact in most cases and I don’t care what people think, especially those who have been enjoying my downfall.
The Host: Come on, watching your videos shows you’re not a brief man. So, meat up the bones for the listeners. Go into details.
Baltasar: Look, if you’re tired from work, you get home and take a bath, eat up to your throat, what next comes to your mind?
The Host: Sleep.
Baltasar: Dummy, it is making love. In that moment, why would anyone choose to sleep? Like I said to a friend, sleep is hugely overrated anyway.
The Host: You have a friend? Is he as powerful as you?
Baltasar: What do you mean if I have a friend? You think those women aren’t my friends?
The Host: That is a good point but what are you trying to get at with regard to sleeping right after eating? Don’t make me question my own habit.
Baltasar: So, if you choose to sleep after eating and taking shower, in my Baltasar book, it means you already satisfied your desires at the office.
The Host: If that is true, when do you have time for your wife? You seem to have done most of your ‘sexercises’ at the office.
Baltasar: I am Baltasar. I never run out of energy. Haven’t you seen my kids? You think they fell from the sky?
The Host: I have, incredible spacing too. Well done. There was a tape doing the rounds that people claim is your wife. Are you two in competition or something?
Baltasar: I don’t know. I have enough videos of myself. I don’t need to watch anything else.
The Host: A Nollywood actress said she almost got carried away when she watched your tapes and she advised husbands to take care of their wives and give them attention. Is that what those women get from you?
Baltasar: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. How do I take care or give them attention at the office? People don’t cheat because they lack attention or care of their spouse. They cheat because they want to. It is always a choice.
The Host: Good point. People call you the King Solomon of our time. Is that a fair comparison?
Baltasar: Solomon had 400 wives and 300 concubines, allegedly. Tell me, is that a fair comparison?
The Host: No, I don’t think so, Solomon is better; at least he married 400 wives. You married one and exposed 400.
Baltasar: Like I said at the beginning, it is not 400. The number is hugely exaggerated.
The Host: Your picture is now on t-shirts, walls, bottles of sex enhancement drinks. Does it bother you or it makes you proud?
Baltasar: Again, none of it represents anything good for me. So, it doesn’t make me proud.
The Host: Noted. So what next for Baltasar?
Baltasar: Prison, I guess. The infamous Black Beach Prison.
The Host: You will not go to prison for this. Trust me. Remember you’re already famous. You can finally bring down the 1000-year regime of Obiang while in prison, and hand over Jammeh to Gambians.
Baltasar: No one will follow me. People are not interested in my wellbeing. They are only interested in my sex tapes.
The Host: On a serious note, why would anyone leak those tapes?
Baltasar: It is all part of a ploy to get rid of me.
The Host: What ploy and by who?
Baltasar: I am the president’s nephew and a lot of people have considered me a possible successor. This is a plan by Obiang Junior to eliminate me.
The Host: But if this is what you do now, imagine if you are president and have the whole country’s women at your disposal. You could set a Guinness Record.
Baltasar: Everyone is talking about me. No one knows what Obiang Junior does.
The Host: That makes sense. Before we conclude, are there more tapes?
Baltasar: Yes, only 20% of the tapes have been leaked.
The Host: Holy pregnant cow!! I change my mind. You’re better than Solomon. Are you going to release them?
Baltasar: Did I release the 400? No. I won’t release these ones too.
The Host: Well, I guess it’s gonna take another police raid to leak the rest. We will be here when you break the internet again. Thanks for joining us on REVELATIONS.
Baltasar: Thank you, Mr Pablo.
