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20.6 C
City of Banjul
Tuesday, March 25, 2025
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I need the advice of normal people 

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If you are within the confines of this colonial space, you would know that concomitant with Ramadan is weddings. Scroll through social media and you will see Badibunkas announcing that Kassamanding or Jambading is off the market. It is as if women are placed in a market to be bought by men. Gambians love going to naming ceremonies and weddings. I am an exception. And if you know me well enough, you would know that I am not a very outgoing person and I don’t often attend weddings or naming ceremonies. I’m not much for gatherings of any kind. I have been to less than ten wedding ceremonies in my life. However, the one wedding ceremony I have been waiting for with unbridled Vorfreude is the marriage of my friend, my brother, and my mentor whose name I shall not mention.  Praise be to the ancestors, the long and agonising wait is over. My mentor promised me that this Ramadan, by the grace of his ancestors in Kiang, he would be tying the knot or jumping the broom as they say in Trump land. When my mentor invited me to Iftar and told me that our new darling would be delivering the food, I was doing cartwheels. If I wasn’t fasting, you would have seen me dancing from Turn Table to Fajara, where my mentor calls home.

On the appointed date, the erudite one called me around 5 am. I thought the call was a mistake and so I didn’t answer. Then he called again around 7 am, and this time I accepted the call. “Where are you breaking your fast?” He asked me without even saying hello. Bewildered, I told him I would be home. Then he said:

Does your Koroja know how to cook? I doubt it; today, you will come to my home for Iftar. My wife-to-be is cooking and I told her you are coming over. Now here is my plan. I want to be romantic and make her happy so I need your help.

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I asked him if he had any ideas and he said yes:

He said he wants all the lights in his room to be off when the wife-to-be comes in. Then he is going to yell “Light” as soon as she walks in, and when she gets over her surprise, he would tell her: My love, who needs Nawec when they have you?

My mentor smiled from ear to ear waiting for me to tell him what I thought of his romantic plan. If you are confused by this romantic gesture, I was too, but I understood that I was dealing with a Badibunka and nothing is ever normal with them. Honestly, I thought it was a corny plan and a stupid romantic plot but my friend has very sensitive feelings and I didn’t want to bruise his fragile ego. So I asked him at what point do we switch the lights back on, and he said he bought some candles, so it would be a candlelight Iftar.

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I imagined myself sitting in my mentor’s living room in the dark, hungry and waiting for this woman to show up just so he could yell “Light”. And then we were to use candles to break our fast because that is his idea of a candlelit dinner. I guess we all have different ideas on what constitutes romance! I asked him what her name was and he told me his marabout said he must never mention her name until they meet in person. I wanted to say “So you have not even met her yet” but I just remained silent.

“I sent her D10,000 for the Iftar today and tomorrow,” he exclaimed in excitement. I remained silent. I don’t know which woman is chopping my mentor’s money but may you burn in hell! Gambia is hard but spending ten thousand on two Iftars for one person is a red flag.

Anyway, around Iftar, my friend called me again and asked if I had showered and gotten dressed and I said yes, I would be on my way. Then he insisted that I must wear a suit and tie! I told him I don’t have any of those but I assured him I was dressed nicely. I got to his house and he said the mysterious lady will be there in 30 minutes. So he turned off all his lights and we sat in the dark. He insisted that we not talk and that I could not be on my cell phone because that would lighten up the house.

The only light I want is her brightness, he insisted. Hey Nteh!

We waited and waited, and waited and waited. No one showed up. It was hot and we were both sweating profusely because he wanted no noise so the fan was off. Tired and hungry, I asked him if we should pray or keep waiting. He insisted we not pray because she may come while we are praying and he will miss his romantic moment. I told him I must pray and after some back and forth, he insisted on being the imam so that he could also listen for her footsteps. I agreed, in the hope that I get a chance to make up my prayer because I don’t trust any imam who prays while waiting for a woman.  Our foreheads were on the ground when he yelled “LIGHT” and we both looked to the door. It was nothing but a gust of wind. Then he got angry and insisted that if I wanted to pray, I must go outside and pray but he is not taking any more chances. I went outside and I prayed, and as I returned to his house, he yelled “LIGHT” and then got even angrier when he realised it was me!!! “Your footsteps sound like a woman walking,” he screamed!!! Still the ever-loyal friend, I took his angry words in stride and remained silent.

We sat down and resumed waiting. In the dark. I told him to call or text her but he said no, if you want a good woman, you never rush her!!!“

Bambo, patience is the key to getting a good woman,” he told me. We waited. I was hungry as heck and this guy would not even allow us to drink water because he did not want to miss his romantic moment. Long story short, the woman never showed up and by 10 pm, I could not take it anymore. I told him I was leaving. He got angry!!!

You are selfish Alagie. You are a very jealous man. In fact, I don’t need you! Go home and never come here for Iftar again…  I sat there looking at him sadly… “

Then he got on the phone and I heard him say:

Uncle, I thought you said she was coming today for Iftar. But you didn’t tell me that. I gave you 10,000 and if that was not enough, you should have told me… so she will come tomorrow … hahaha… ok I’ll be here waiting. Send me your account number!  I will send you the extra three thousand.

I realised that one of his uncles was scamming him, but a man in love has no ears. I could not possibly say anything to dissuade him from spending his money on this woman. As he waxed poetically when he described her. “Anya Kesso, niyya jeh, kang nombo aning suruwaal kaffo meng yeh Sangara yalla, billai wallie atteh leh yeh gambia bay baiii,” he concluded looking at me with evil eyes!!! “Kaana Kase deh eyo!” I am not sure how I was supposed to chase a woman I have never met, but oh well, expecting a jealous man to be rational is the height of irrationality.

The next day my mentor called again and said he tried to get Mustapha Darboe to come for Iftar but he cannot trust another unmarried man around his soon-to-be-wife. He wanted me to be there again. He said his uncle swore that this time, the lady would be there!!!

Should I go there today too??? He said he has more romantic plans but I feel traumatised already! Please advise.

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