Guest author, Mariam Jaani
So that was it. I’m I supposed to feel guilty, sad, angry, stupid or not wear that broken heart anymore? After walking away from her like she said, I think I lost half of me too. I can feel the way she stressed that bye! I know she does not want to have anything to do with me ever again. That Talib-Anna love story you thought will have a happily-ever-after ending, that love story is dead. It was too weak to survive. I know I have not tried my best to make things work, but I did not want to fight a battle I know I will lose. No, I am not a coward, nor I’m I scared of being a failure or a loser, my heart is just too young to die.
I wish I could reply Anna’s letter. I wish I could tell her everything I feel right now because I have a lot to say too, but I just cannot look back. I think I am making a little progress trying to live my normal life again; a life without Anna. So I do not know if it is possible, I do not know if my heart and mind will obey me, but I am going erase every memory of her. I want to forget her chuckles, her voice, her face that I saw just once… I just want to forget her and everything that reminds me of her. Unlike her, I don’t think going back to the beach will do me any good because it will only bring back memories that are very beautiful but so ugly for such a moment. If thinking about her hurts me, then she is not good for me. So I might as well just say bye!
I really hoped he would reply, even though I had said goodbye. That means only one thing; he has moved on. It is time for me to do the same and go back to my real life. My real life isn’t bad at all. I am surrounded by people who love me and when Talib walked in to my life, I left someone very important to be hanging and it is high time I made it up to him. Well I guess I did not tell Talib everything about my relationship with Harun. He is not just a childhood friend I do not want to hurt, he is someone I am going to marry and my family approves of him. We have been through a lot together and he has always been here.
Talking about him always being here, I found him seating in the living room and telling my mother stories like he always does. I was not sure what I was going to tell hm. He knows I have been avoiding him for a while now. I took a seat next to my mum, still not saying anything to him.
Harun: “Seems like I have not seen this face in like forever.”
Me: “Well I’m glad you missed it,” I said looking away.
Harun and I had fought two days before I met Talib. We have never had that kind of fight. He even went on a trip without saying goodbye. He tried reaching out to me so many times, but I used our fight as an excuse to avoid him and I feel very guilty.
Harun: “Don’t tell me you are still angry Aa. I was hurt too but I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Besides, we have not seen each other for almost three weeks.”
He calls me Aa and I call him Ha. This is a weird nickname we gave each other since we were kids and sometimes I even forget his name is Harun because I’m so used to calling him Ha.
Me: “When did you come back?”
Harun: “Last night.”
The whole silence was killing me. I wish he would just say something. Anything. To make matters worse, my mum got up and went to her room.
Harun: “Well I texted you. Haven’t you been reading my messages? Let me see your phone.”
I passed it to him.
Me:“I’m sorry. I have not really been okay. Let us just forget this whole thing. We cool?”
Harun: “Of course! But! We are going for a stroll on the beach.”
Me: “Oh no Ha. Please don’t make me go to the beach. I think I don’t like that place anymore. I went there when we fought and that place ruined my life!” I instantly regretted saying that.
Harun: “Well after ignoring me for a while, it is only fair that you try to make me smile.”
Me: “Alright! I hate to say this, but I missed you not so very much man!”
Harun: “Ha-ha. Would it hurt for you to say you missed me a lot? I did not think I will miss you that much either. You know how much I have always wanted to have a little break from your madness.”
Me: “Well…since we are letting sleeping dogs lie, I will take that as a compliment. I definitely don’t want to go to the beach, but since I am a good master, I will just take my dog for a walk on the beach?”
Harun: Excuse me? Which dog?
Me: “Huh? I don’t see any dog around here, do you?
Harun: “Not even its look alike!”
Harun might think I agreed to come with him just to please him, but this is my opportunity to return all the memories this place gave me. It feels good having Harun by my side. I know I am not alone. With Harun, I feel really safe. He is someone that I never thought I will fall out of love with. What we share is not the normal love two people share. Our bond seems unbreakable. Even if the love we share dies, we are best friends and no one or nothing can change that. Maybe I just felt too comfortable with Talib. He seemed like the perfect substitute for Harun while he was away. Maybe I never loved him.
Harun: “Are you really okay?”
Me: “I am very fine!” I wish I could tell him I am not fine.
Harun: “Oh okay. Maybe you just missed me too much. It’s okay. I’m here now.”
Me: “Hah! You wish!”
Harun: “You don’t have to worry about that. Very soon we will start living together and my entire life will be yours. You can choose to do with it whatever you want.”
Me: “Oh really?”
Me: “There isn’t anything I would rather do than punch some sense in to your head every day.”
Harun: “What did you just say?”
Me: “Just let sleeping dogs lie, bruv.” I chuckled.
Harun: “I wouldn’t mind doing some work around the house. I will definitely do all the cooking. All you have to do is have ten…oh no…five or seven kids.”
Me: “Last time I checked, you are very smart. So instead of just dreaming, you might as well use that time to invent a baby-making machine instead of hoping I will be that for you.”
Harun: “You are very right. I’m smart and I know it. Maybe the whole baby thing is a joke, but I won’t let you work too much at home. In fact, if you try being a little nice, you might not work at all.”
Me: “God! I wish you can just hear yourself like I’m hearing you. Listen, when I chose a Gambian boy, I know what I signed up to. So I’m good. Correction, I don’t think I ever chose you”
Harun: “I can’t remember choosing you either. But I’m serious…very serious about what I said. You know I am different”
Me: “Yeah, yeah, but please do me a favour. Stop talking!”
Harun: “I am very serious Aa…”
Me: “God! Shut up Talib!”
I did not realize I said something bad until I noticed his breathtaking smile I do not get tired of seeing completely fade away. I just called him Talib! I have never mistakenly called him Harun when we are together, how can I make the mistake of calling him Talib. I mean, he knows almost everyone I know and I know almost everyone he knows, but there has never been a Talib. What actually scares me the most is the look on his face that tells me he knows something and is waiting for an explanation; one I would obviously have to give him. If I tell him the truth, he is going to be very hurt. If I tell him a lie, it will give birth to a thousand other lies, but will definitely spare him all the heartache. God! I wonder if I will ever move on.