By Dr Mimi Fatou Ceesay
Marriage is often treated as a cultural milestone for many African men rather than an emotional responsibility. Once a man reaches a certain age, becomes financially stable, or gains social approval, marriage is expected to follow. However, emotional maturity is rarely considered, and readiness is almost never evaluated. Because of this, many marriages struggle not from a lack of love but from emotional immaturity that is widely excused and overlooked (Fanon, 1967; Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí, 2015).
From a young age, many African men are raised to provide, to protect in theory, and to lead with authority. However, they are rarely taught how to self-reflect, communicate openly, or regulate their emotions. Emotional awareness is often dismissed as weakness, vulnerability is discouraged, and accountability is avoided. As a result, emotional growth is not prioritized (Nzegwu, 2006). However, marriage requires far more than financial provision. It demands emotional presence, consistency, empathy, restraint, and responsibility. When a man enters marriage without these qualities, the relationship becomes unbalanced. The woman is often left to carry the emotional weight, expected to understand, endure, forgive, and compensate for what is lacking (Amadiume, 1987).
This imbalance is evident in the everyday reality of Fatou and Modou. Fatou enters marriage expecting a partnership, but quickly realizes she must become everything at once: wife, emotional anchor, decision-maker, and stabiliser. Modou is physically present, but is emotionally absent. He avoids difficult conversations, dismisses her concerns, and reacts defensively when accountability is required. Over time, Fatou is forced into overperformance. She begins to operate in what is often described as “masculine energy,” not by choice, but by necessity. She plans, leads, resolves conflicts, and carries responsibilities that should be shared. Meanwhile, Modou behaves less like a partner and more like someone she must manage, guide, or even parent.
In one instance, when financial stress arises, Fatou initiates conversations about budgeting and planning for the future. Modou withdraws, insisting that things will work themselves out. When conflict emerges, Fatou attempts to communicate calmly, but Modou either shuts down or escalates emotionally. Eventually, Fatou stops expecting emotional support altogether. She becomes hyper-independent, not because she desires it, but because she has learned that relying on him leads to disappointment. In this dynamic, Modou becomes more of a burden than a partner, more of a dependent presence than a supportive husband.
This reflects a deeper truth: a man who has not healed from his past will often enter marriage seeking a mother rather than a partner. Instead of building an equal relationship, he looks for emotional caretaking, placing an unfair burden on his wife. The result is a dynamic where the woman nurtures while the man avoids growth.
Gender roles are not the problem; the issue lies in how they are practiced. Healthy masculinity involves leadership that protects rather than dominates, and authority that serves rather than controls. However, many men expect submission without offering emotional safety, loyalty, or stability in return (Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí, 2015). True leadership in marriage requires emotional maturity. A man who cannot manage his anger, remain faithful, or respond thoughtfully will struggle not only as a husband but also as a father. Marriage often exposes these weaknesses because it removes the social masks that men rely on outside the home (Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o, 2009).
In a healthy marriage, a woman should not be treated as an afterthought or convenience, but as someone to be valued, protected, and emotionally secure. This does not mean placing her on a pedestal, but recognizing her importance within the relationship. A woman can only fully love and remain in love when she feels safe. Love cannot thrive in fear, instability, or competition. Romance fades in the presence of anxiety, and passion cannot survive neglect. Emotional safety is what allows softness, connection, and intimacy to exist (Nzegwu, 2006).
Polygamy further complicates this dynamic by undermining emotional security. While it may be culturally accepted in some contexts, it often creates an environment where women must compete for attention, affection, and loyalty. This competition prevents emotional safety and keeps relationships in a constant state of tension. Even when women remain in such marriages, they may be enduring rather than truly thriving. Polygamy often centers male desire while expecting women to suppress their emotional needs, reinforcing imbalance and avoiding accountability (Amadiume, 1987; Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí, 2015).
Many men marry not because they are ready, but because they are permitted to do so. Authority is mistaken for leadership, fear is mistaken for respect, and control is mistaken for masculinity. This mindset leads to marriages where women are treated as possessions rather than partners. In Fatou’s case, she begins to feel less like a wife and more like a support system holding everything together. Her emotional needs are sidelined while Modou’s comfort remains prioritised. Over time, resentment builds, intimacy fades, and the relationship becomes functional rather than fulfilling.
What is needed is a shift in how both men and women are prepared for marriage. Emotional growth must come before commitment. Healing must be intentional. Men must learn to confront their past wounds, unlearn entitlement, and replace ego with empathy. Women, too, must be empowered to recognise emotional unavailability early and refuse to normalise imbalance. Marriage is not proof of manhood; emotional maturity is (Fanon, 1967). It is also important to implement premarital counseling as a cultural standard rather than an exception. Premarital counseling creates a structured space for both partners to examine their expectations, communication styles, emotional triggers, and values before entering marriage. It allows couples like Fatou and Modou to confront potential dysfunction early before patterns become permanent. In such a space, Modou would be challenged to develop emotional awareness and accountability, while Fatou would be supported in setting boundaries and refusing to overfunction. Counseling shifts marriage from assumption to intention, ensuring that both individuals are prepared not just to marry, but to sustain a healthy partnership.
Accountability must be mutual. Marriage thrives when both partners are emotionally present, self-aware, and willing to grow. Without this, one partner will always compensate for the other, creating exhaustion and imbalance. Until this shift happens, many women will continue to marry potential instead of presence, hoping for growth that has not yet occurred. This often leads to pain rooted in unresolved emotional wounds. Healing is not optional; it is essential for building a healthy relationship. A healed man creates a home filled with stability and care, while an emotionally immature man creates an environment marked by hurt and imbalance.
