By Alagie Saidy-Barrow
If you’re into backbiting or gossiping, please continue reading. If you are one of those who only half-backbites or only partake in small circle gossip (like husband and wife, or mother and daughter gossip), you can continue reading too because you’re no better than us, the confessed backbiters and gossipers!
My in-law, the polymathic Commissioner, and my favourite gossip-mate, waxed philosophical as he told me:
“Mbitang, something is titillating, nay, redeeming, and indeed blissful about freely speaking of someone behind their back. More so, when you don’t like the person but societal norms insist you must pretend to like them given that they have never done anything to you to warrant your dislike,” Mbitang warmed up.
“Allahkubarr, Mbitang mamang ta, Drammeh Kanji Santang farra, Santangno yeh farra, nyamo yeh saba, mbayyeh tuu! Tell me more,” I sang.
“Mbitang Mmajiki, why do you think Badibunkas love the Victorian letter “S” in their names? And how do you think their love for the “S” letter is related to the word “Useless”? Think, Mbitang, think. From Sabs, Sam, Sammy, Cees, Tidson, Cassa, Lams, to Kebs and Mamson or Babs, do you see any correlation with the word “Useless” in these names? Backbiting is an art my friend. The best of us are those who backbite without appearing to do so”, the polymath paused for effect!
“Abbay for deh mbitang, kana feng tu koma”, I prodded.
“Mbitang, you see, backbiters like my uncle Omar Drammeh, who start off by swearing “Billai Wallie, I can say this even in his presence”, are not real experts at the pathology of backbiting. A true backbite\r will never hint that they are speaking of someone behind their back. My uncle just fakes it and if it wasn’t for the deference one is obliged to give their uncle, I’d have told him this to his face! I’m not one of those evil whisperers who withdraw. Mooku, not me. I am a Drammeh, through and through.” “We can agree that your uncle Omar is useless to you. What is an uncle if he can’t get you a mere and common Badibunka wife?” I observed.
“Exactly, and he wonders why I never phone him,” my in-law buttressed.
“Ndeysan, tengteng mbitang, kuma! Drammeh Kanji Bandi morri,” I encouraged.
“Like I was saying, backbiting is an art. My useless cousin-brother Sisay Ceesay, The Knower, does not have to know someone to know everything about them. Do you know how much gossip time it takes to know so much about everyone? It takes patience and a true Ceesay-Kunda dedication to reach that level”, insisted the erudite Commissioner.
“Chei,” I said, admiring his wisdom and subtly encouraging him to continue!
“Mbitang Mmajiki, the very best among all humans are those of us who master the emotionally sumptuous art of epicaricacy. That means taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. Like how my useless aunty Kassa Ceesay was so gleeful because I hurt my waist while practicing Sous dance for my soon-to-be fiancé. Do you know how many people are waiting for me to falter so they can smugly claim they knew I wouldn’t make it?”
“There are people like that?” I rhetorically asked.
“Of course! Mbitang, there are very few among us who do not backbite when we are in comfortable milieus. Be wary of anyone who claims they do not backbite. Especially these new-age Gambians who love to tell you they do not interact with other Gambians. Don’t get me started on those who claim to be related to everyone or call everyone their friend. They are the best among the worst.”
“Allakubaru,” I uttered in admiration of my sagely co-backbiter!
“Mbitang Mmajiki, of all the backbiters and gossipers, Kitabu Kassama’s sister, Bin Sirra, The Talker, is renowned as the strangest of them all. That’s because she doesn’t leave anyone out. She talks about everyone including her own brother, Malick Suwareh. Curiously, she doesn’t get along with Sammy, The Knower Sisay Ceesay! Don’t tell anyone, but rumour is that Bin Sirra now wears niqab and she’s dating someone’s husband, one Jammeh guy in the USA. I’m not backbiting, I’m just repeating what I heard.”
“Wow,” I muttered sanctimoniously.
“Yeah, and you know what?” My fellow backbite asked.
“What?”
“I heard her brother is angling to join the NPP. You know life is hard.”
“Well, if you want to eat, that’s where the table is.”
“Exactly. Mbitang, I heard Khadijatou saying she heard Ousman saying that Omar told him they all joined the opposition to buy attention and then use that as a ticket to the meal table.”
“These Gambian opportunists are very smart and know how to slither their way unto the buffet table.”
“Especially that loudmouthed, morally corroded, thieving Daabaa! He’s actually a very good friend of mine but he is a terrible person. Please swear that you won’t repeat this to anyone.”
“I swear on everything, I will, I mean, I won’t.”
“Sorry I made you swear but you know you can’t trust anyone in this Country”
“We shall talk again next time,” I responded walking hurriedly to share the conversation with Bais Hydara!
