Heartbreak, again

185

By Talib Gibran

Time was flying. No, time was rocketing and I was still trying to test if Anna was the right person. But the danger is—and often comes down to this—if I think Anna wasn’t the right person to share a matrimonial bed with, then at least one heart will break, especially if she thinks I am her Mr Right. Men search. Women search, we all tirelessly search for this elusive ‘right’ partner at all costs. That’s why by the time we eventually get married, we would have left our fingerprints all over broken hearts.

Anna always seemed right for me; so right that it seemed not right. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind and above all, honest. And like Tyrion Lannister, I trust the eyes of an honest person more than I trust what everybody else knows. My mind was made up; I was an angler fish, with a sexual dimorphic behavior hunting for a partner.
Me: “I don’t like to try one thing twice, Anna. Didn’t we hurt each other enough?”
Anna: “Yes we did, but here we are rekindling what had disappeared”
Me: “And I still think it is a bad idea, despite enjoying how I feel right now”
Anna: “I guess there’s only one way to find out”
Me: “That one way is dangerous, we shouldn’t tread it”
When I first met Anna, I had already given up on finding true love. I only looked at love as that obscure thing humans aren’t capable of feeling, but then go about acting and writing about it. Then, she emerged…..and with so much light that it was impossible to hesitate. She became my elixir of immortality! No two souls are the same…but I genuinely thought God twinned ours. She immediately struck a chord with me. She made sense. In this world devoid of good people, Anna’s type is the Holy Grail.
Anna: “It’s worth the sacrifice. I am willing to tread it”
Me: “What exactly do you want?”
In just a short time, Anna and I built a strong chemistry and it felt like she was my oxygen supplier. I fell head over heels for her. But one fundamental problem was the little secret she had. She had a childhood friend-turned-fiancé. And such people always spoil fresh love. Secrets are like walls, you can’t really know someone when a wall is between the two of you, Barry Allen remarked. I agree. I thought I already knew the most important things about Anna but you can’t really know someone, can you? That caused the first….and the most significant problem. The mighty crush got crushed, with pieces of our hearts scattered like shards of broken glass. I got beaten, humiliated and broken. But, as always in my encounter with women, I ate the humble pie and moved on. That’s why I am dragging this time, while cleverly doing some anticipatory grieving. I was trying to cope with a loss before it happens, because it will definitely happen.
Anna: “I want us to try this again, Talib. It could work now”
Me: “Or it could fall apart again and maybe kill all of us this time. I don’t want to find that out”
Anna: “Smh, you’re so unbearable”
Me: “I’ve heard that before”
Anna: “I don’t know why I didn’t smother you when I had the chance”
Me: “Haha. You couldn’t have, you were busy admiring me”
Anna: “Smh, you had to gloat”
Me: “Oh yes, who wouldn’t?”
I usually enjoyed so much freedom chatting or talking with Anna. I could tell her anything without fearing a backlash or offending her. She was my dumpsite, so to speak.
Anna: “I wouldn’t”
Me: “I’m talking about humans, not clones and zombies”
Anna: “Now I regret not murdering you twice. Smh”
Me: “I would have been a martyr twice. There’s no death more honourable than that”
Anna: “Can I ask you something?”
Me: “You’ve already asked”
Anna: “Smh. Okay, what crosses your mind whenever you think about me?”
Me: “And who says I think about you?”
Anna: “Lol. Why am I not surprised?”
Once I start feeling different about someone, a girl, I usually get obsessed with knowing more about the person. I would ask….and ask…..and ask until there are no questions left. I don’t try to know people through other people; no, I try to know them through them, I ask them. But, as it eventually turned out, my chronic attention to detail has become my Achilles heel—for lack of a better word. I get to know too much….and then it would be a standout reason for the potential discontinuation of the relationship.
Me: “You shouldn’t be surprised, you know me too well”
Anna: “I thought I did. Just tell me then, what’s running through your mind about me?”
Me: “It’s hard to describe”
Anna: “C’mon Talib, words have never been your weakness. You always have extra, never short of it”
Me: “You’d been the light in my life for a very short time…but a very long one indeed. With you, I felt like I’d swallowed a truth bug, confessing even my deepest fears about love and women. I loved that new me so much, more than the old me that was conservative, at the same time not trapped by people’s expectations of him. Now, after that revelation of a hidden better option to me, you’ve literally put off the light you brought into my life, leaving behind nothing but darkness. That’s how I feel, Anna”
Anna: “Wow, I don’t know what to say. This is too much information for me to process”
Me: “Great. I thought you too had your way with words”
Anna: “Lol. It is different. I didn’t know how deep this hurt you”
Me: “Then you should understand why I don’t want to do it again. I can’t survive this twice”
Anna: “I understand. Still, let’s see where it leads”
Me: “I know exactly where it leads”
Anna: “Lol. Relax, I won’t force it”
Me: “Haha, force doesn’t work with me. It never did”
Anna: “Cool. We will talk about this some other time”
Me: “I hope not. I pray the angels erase this topic from your mind when you’re asleep”
Anna: “Haha, brace up cuz it’s glued into my mind. Besides, it’s important we talk things through”
Me: “I agree. For now, the subject is so raw…and so disturbing that I would rather talk about vampires and witches”
Anna: “Lol. I see. Well you have your wish then”
Me: “Great then. What are you up to?”
Anna: “I’m cooking”
Me: “Sounds nice. You want some help?”
Anna: “Haha, no thanks. I love my people”
Me: “C’mon, what do you mean?”
Anna: “I don’t want to poison them. Lol”
Me: “That’s not a fair assessment. I’m a master chef”
Anna: “Okay let me put your culinary skills to test on paper. Tell me how you cook supa kanja, starting from going to the market”
Me: “In this generation, supa kanja is the easiest dish to cook”
Anna: “Then start cooking and stop boasting”
Me: “Lol. Okay, Just buy everything you see, including sugar, cow foot, meat, steamed fish, crab, dried fish fresh fish, everything. From there, mix them all with the rice in a pot and place it on fire”
Anna: “Talib, remind me not to eat it myself, let alone give it to other people”
Me: “Haha, but why?”
Anna: “Why? Are you kidding me? You’ve just successfully cooked poison”
Me: “Haha, hilarious!”
Anna: “You need my help, at least in the kitchen”
Me: “Very well then”
Anna: “Did you learn how to be stubborn or you came to this world with it?”
Me: “A little bit of both”
Anna: “I thought as much. You’re lucky you don’t have strict parents. Your butt would be kicked every minute”
Me: “Haha…funny. You’re the lucky one”
Anna: “How?”
Me: “This world is so messed up…so misleading that the best gift for anyone is a strict parent”
Anna: “Yeah, I hate it when you’re right. Lol”
Me: “I feel sorry for you cuz that happens all the time”
I was all in. I had no boundaries. With Anna, my path to matrimony was as clear as my feelings for her. But since the little friction emerged, a seed of doubt was sown in my heart. For the first time, I was hesitant. I dragged. I thought twice…and it made me realise that she was probably gone. And like Tessa said, after Anna, it was just ‘AFTER’. Nothing else. It was the crescendo of my heartbreak!